A doctor gets called to the hospital in the middle of the night
As it’s an emergency, and the highway is completely empty at this time of night, he’s going a little over the speed limit. Suddenly, he sees blue lights fire up behind him, and he’s pulled over.
The cop approaches the car and says “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“About five miles an hour over,” says the doctor. “Sorry. I’m a doctor, and one of my patients has taken a turn for the worse, so I’m rushing to the hospital.”
“The rules are the rules,” replies the cop. “I’ve gotta give you a ticket.” The cop starts writing it out and, as he does, asks “What kind of doctor are you, anyway?”
“I’m an asshole stretcher,” says the doctor. “One of the best, actually.”
“You’re a what?” says the baffled cop, looking up from the ticket.
“Yeah, if they need an *ssh*le stretching they come to me. I can easily get them two, three feet wide. Some I’ve got up to six foot.”
“What the hell do you do with a six-foot *ssh*le?” asks the incredulous cop.
“You get him to stop people going five miles an hour over the limit at 3am.”
Why Was Everyone Laughing at the Nun?
A nun was walking quietly down the street on her way to church one Sunday morning.
As she passed the local grocery store, the shopkeeper looked at her, smirked, and said,
“Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
The nun paused for a moment, slightly confused, but politely smiled and continued on her way.
A few blocks later, another man passing by glanced at her and chuckled.
“Rough morning, Sister?”
Now she was beginning to feel genuinely puzzled.
Not long after that, two more people made similar comments.
“Someone’s in a mood today.”
“Didn’t sleep too well last night, Sister?”
By the time she reached the church, the nun was completely baffled.
She hurried inside and walked over to another nun preparing for the morning service.
“Sister,” she whispered anxiously, “why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?”
The other nun looked her up and down for a second.
