One Joke Too Far
One evening, a husband—feeling a little too confident for his own good—decided to tease his wife.
“Maybe we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast,” he chuckled.
“Could take a few inches off your backside!”
Cue the awkward silence.
His wife, however, was not one to let such comments go unanswered.
The next morning, as the husband reached into his drawer for a fresh pair of underwear, a mysterious puff of powder burst into the air.
He coughed and blinked. “What the heck?!”
“APRIL!” he called out, holding the underwear at arm’s length. “Why is there talcum powder in my boxers?!”
From the bathroom, his wife called back sweetly: “Oh, honey… that’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle-Gro.”
LOL!!
When Tim was just a wee lad
When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School.
One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” Time answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
“Well, then, if I were kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, Tim answered, “NO!”
The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.
Well, she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A very confident young Tim shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DE@D.”
My daughter hates school.
One weekend, she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.
Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying and whining built to a crescendo.
At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put daddy in jail.”
She looked at me, thought for a moment, then asked, “How long would you have to stay?”
A good man passed away and went to heaven.
He was greeted by St. Peter, who congratulated him and said he could have anything he wished.
The fellow requested something to eat and a telescope so that he could look around.
While eating the sandwich provided to him, he peered through the telescope down at the folks in hell and saw that they were feasting on prawns, chicken tikkas, mutton chops, karahi paneer and desserts.
“How come people down there are eating gourmet food?” He asked St. Peter. “I earned a place in heaven, but you gave me only a sandwich!”
“Well,” replied St. Peter apologetically, “it doesn’t pay to cook for just two.”
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
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