A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, ” What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,”says the guy.
“How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?
A college girls rushes to the hospital.
Her water has just br0ke and she is now in labour.
As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick cash I agreed to be in a g@ng b@ng p0rn0. That’s where I got pregnant. There were a lot of guys, so I’m not really sure which one is the father.”
The doctor goes back to work and the girls continues to push. When the baby comes out the doctor says “I don’t know if this will help you narrow down who the father is, but the baby is black”
The girl replies “That does help, there was only one black guy there”
The doctor then adds “This may complicate it a bit, but the baby has blonde hair”
The girl replies “Well there was one big Norwegian guy so that also makes sense”
Again the doctor adds “The baby has small slanted eyes”
The girl says “Well there was one Chinese guy in there too so I guess that makes sense too”
Suddenly the baby begins to cry. The girl is overcome with relief.
The doctor asks “Why are you so relieved to hear the baby cry?”
The girls answers “I thought it was going to bark”
The Lawyer Never Saw This Coming
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Cornwall. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the UK and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local Cornish custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow dung.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
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