Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.
She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.
The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads *Nun shows entire county her @ss*.
The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is *Nun offers her @ss for £50*.
The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. *Nun desperate for someone to own her @ss*.
A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. *Bishop loves nun’s @ss.*
The priest faints.
The Nun’s Confession about the Parrot
An elderly nun walked into the church’s confession booth, looking deeply troubled. When the priest opened the partition, she sighed heavily and began to speak in a soft, trembling voice.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” she whispered. “I have committed the sin of wrath and bad language. Yesterday, I lost my temper completely and said some very unholy things to the convent’s pet parrot.”
The priest, knowing how holy and gentle the nun usually was, smiled gently through the screen. “My dear Sister, we all lose our patience sometimes. What on earth did the parrot do to make you so angry?”
The nun wiped a tear from her eye. “Well, Father, I spent three weeks trying to teach that bird to say ‘Praise the Lord’ or ‘Hallelujah’. But yesterday afternoon, right when the Mother Superior walked into the room, the parrot looked at her and shouted a very rude phrase: ‘Hey fat lady, clean my cage!’.”
The priest tried very hard to hide his laughter. “And what did you say to the bird, Sister?”
The nun looked down in shame and confessed, “I grabbed the cage, shook it hard, and yelled at the top of my lungs: ‘Shut up, you stu-pid animal, or I’m going to cook you for Sunday dinner and feed you to the Bishop!’.”
The priest cleared his throat, trying to stay professional, and asked, “And did the parrot stop?”
The nun nodded slowly, “Yes, Father. But now, whenever I walk into the kitchen, it stares at the oven and whispers: ‘Please, Sister, don’t baptize me in there!’.”
The Nun and the Secretive Truck Driver
A young nun was traveling across the country to visit a new convent. Her bus broke down in the middle of nowhere, and the next bus wasn’t scheduled until the following day. Stranded at a lonely truck stop, she noticed a burly truck driver who was about to hit the road in a massive eighteen-wheeler.
She walked up to him and asked politely, “Excuse me, sir, but are you by any chance heading toward the next city? I am a nun and I desperately need to reach my destination tonight.”
The truck driver, a tough-looking man with a kind heart, nodded. “Sure am, Sister. Hop in, but I have to warn you: I have a bit of a habit of talking to myself when I drive, and sometimes my language isn’t exactly church-appropriate.”
The nun smiled, “Don’t worry, my son. I have a ‘habit’ of my own, and I am a very good listener.”
They drove for about two hours in comfortable silence. Suddenly, a small deer darted out onto the highway directly in front of the truck. The driver slammed on the brakes, swerved hard, and just barely missed the animal.
Shaken up and frustrated, the driver yelled out a string of terrible curse words, venting his anger at the deer. A second later, he remembered his holy passenger. He turned bright red, looked at the nun, and apologized profusely: “Oh, Sister! I am so incredibly sorry! I completely forgot you were here. Please forgive my awful language.”
The nun patted his arm gently and said with a calm, sweet smile, “Oh, don’t worry about it, dear. Actually, I learned a lot of new vocabulary just now. But tell me… what on earth is a ‘deer’?”
