A Soldier’s Unexpected Encounter with a Wise Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to war in Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either!”
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Fish goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Hello, sir. What brings you in today?”
The fish replies, “Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure.”
The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says,
“Okay, Mr. Salmon, what’s your lifestyle like? Do you eat healthily, get enough sleep, all that?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the fish.
“I eat organic, sleep at least 7 hours a night, and I never drink or smoke.”
At that, the doctor smiles and slaps his knee.
“Well that’s your problem!” he exclaims. “Let me write you a prescription for some Marlboros.”
The fish is dumbfounded. “Doctor, why?”
The doctor finishes writing the prescription rips it off his pad, and hands it to the fish.
“You need to start smoking,” he says,
“because smoking cures salmon.”
Bob staggered home after a night of drinking
He tiptoed up the stairs so as not to wake his wife, Kathleen, but tripped and fell on his butt.
The whiskey bottles in both back pockets made the landing especially painful.
He let out a scream, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see his ass cheeks cut and bleeding.
Quietly, she managed to find a box of Band-Aids and stuck one where she saw blood.
The next morning he woke up to find Kathleen looking at him and saying, “You were drunk last night, weren’t you?”
Bob snapped, “Why would you think that?”
“It could have been the broken glass, or the blood in the house, or your bloodshot eyes,” Kathleen replied.
“But mostly,” she continued.
“It was the Band-Aids on the mirror in the hallway.”
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