The doctor says, “Hello, sir. What brings you in today?”
The fish replies, “Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure.”
The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says,
“Okay, Mr. Salmon, what’s your lifestyle like? Do you eat healthily, get enough sleep, all that?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the fish.
“I eat organic, sleep at least 7 hours a night, and I never drink or smoke.”
At that, the doctor smiles and slaps his knee.
“Well that’s your problem!” he exclaims. “Let me write you a prescription for some Marlboros.”
The fish is dumbfounded. “Doctor, why?”
The doctor finishes writing the prescription rips it off his pad, and hands it to the fish.
“You need to start smoking,” he says,
“because smoking cures salmon.”
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
“Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now.
It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
“How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “Its really spoiled my need for food.”
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
“Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m bloody starving.”
My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.
Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”
