The Old Nun Suddenly Connected The Dots
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s n*k*dness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
‘Oh, sister,’ said the young nun dreamily, ‘I’ve been saved.’
‘Saved? And how did that come about?’ asked the old nun.
‘Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.’
‘Did he now?’ said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, ‘and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.’
‘Is that a fact?’ said the old nun even more evenly.
‘At first it h*rt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.’
‘That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. ‘He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years . . . .
The Crucial Gardening Tool Required for a Traditional Deep-Sea Funeral
An old sailor made his two blonde nieces promise to give him a traditional burial at sea when he passed away.
When the time came, the sisters dutifully loaded his body into a small rowboat and headed out into the ocean. After rowing a short distance, the first blonde climbed overboard to check the depth. The water only reached her knees. “Not deep enough yet,” she said, climbing back in. “Keep rowing.”
They rowed further out, and she checked again. This time, the water came all the way up to her neck. “Still not deep enough,” she grumbled. “We need to go out further.”
Finally, they rowed out past the horizon. The blonde dove overboard and completely disappeared beneath the waves. After a few tense seconds, she broke the surface, gasped for air, and yelled to her sister in the boat:
“Okay, this spot is perfect! Hand me the shovel!”
My best marriage joke
A married woman boards a train. The staff bring her to her private sleeper room only to find that another passenger is already inside. The train attendant apologizes and tells her to wait while they sort it out.
The woman sits down in the car and starts talking with the man who was mistakenly put in her car. He is very friendly, also married, and it turns out they have a lot in common.
When the attendant comes back an hour later to show the woman to her room, she is having such a great time with the man that they agree to share the room which has two seperate beds anyways.
The man and the woman talk for hours, order dinner, have a few drinks, and finally decide to go to sleep.
Each gets into their separate bed and they turn down the lights.
The man says to the woman “I know this may sound crazy, but what if just for tonight we pretend to be married to each other?” The woman thinks about and says “…ok that doesn’t sound crazy, I could do that.” The man then sits up and says “You know it’s really cold in here, maybe we could share that blanket?”
The woman sits up and yells “GET YOUR OWN F*CKING BLANKET!”
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