An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle…
The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was sm*ggl*ng something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.
Dogs wouldn’t sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn’t bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn’t help.
Many years later, on his last day at the job, once Jhonson saw the old lady crossing, he decided to ask her.
He approached and said “I know there is something wrong and I will do nothing. I just beg you to tell me before I retire”.
The old lady, with compassion, asked “Are you seriously not going to do me anything?”.
He replied “No. What are you sm*ggl*ng?”
“Motorcycles”, she said.
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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.
A woman passing by remarks,“If you were any sort of a gentleman,
you would lift your hat to a lady.”
He replies, “If you were any sort of a hot lady,
the hat would lift by itself.”
There once was a blind old man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
“Wow, these seats are big!”
“Everything is big in Texas.”, the person next to him answered.
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”
“Everything is big in Texas.”, the bartender replied.
After a couple of beers, the blind old man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied,
“Second door to the right.”
The old man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which leads to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to d*ath, the blind old man started shouting…
“Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Little Johnny Asks His Mother About Her Chest.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forget.
The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,
“Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny’s’ dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
“Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!”
His father says,
“Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s’ balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
A blonde who wanted to earn money decided to work as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes, and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all of those dumb blonde jokes.”
A few hours later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked?
“Yes,” the blonde replied. “And I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
“Thank you,” the blonde said. “And, by the way, that’s not a Porch, it’s an Audi.
The Cowboys Looking For The Cattle
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot – I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”
The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, “Oh my God, I was riding the mare!”
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