Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… n@ked.
Two old ladies go to visit their friend Mary.
They sit down, and after a while Mary says: “How foolish of me! I haven’t even offered you coffee.”
So she gets up and gets the coffee.
Some time later, old Mary says: “How foolish of me! I haven’t even offered you coffee.”
So again she gets the coffee.
Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time. Finally, the two ladies say goodbye.
“Mary is acting really weird, don’t you think?” says the first one.
“All the time we spent there, she hasn’t even offered us coffee!”
The second one looks at her in amazement: “What? You’ve been to see Mary, and you haven’t even invited me??”
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?”
A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
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