Two nuns stand smoking outside their convent.
There’s a crack of thunder, the clouds roll in, and it starts to rain.
The younger of the nuns, Sister Agnes, pulls out a c0nd0m, bites the end off, and rolls it over her cigarette.
The older nun, Sister Rosemary, looks on, dumbfounded.
“What in the Lord’s good name is that you’ve put on your cigarette, Sister Agnes?” She says.
“Why,” says Sister Agnes, “it’s a c0nd0m.” She holds her cigarette up in the rain. “It stops your cigarette getting wet.”
“Well, that’s marvellous!” Sister Rosemary gasps. “What a fine idea.”
The next day, Sister Rosemary — suitably impressed — decides to walk down to the pharmacy in the village.
“Good morning!” She smiles to the Saturday boy behind the till. “I’d like some c0nd0ms please.”
“Oh!” the boy exclaims, looking for something to say, and visibly red. “Well… um… how… how many would you l-like?”
“Oh, I don’t mind,” says Sister Rosemary, smiling, “as long as they fit on a Camel…”
A nun walks into a liquor store
So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.
The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”
The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward and whispers, “it’s for her constipation!”
The guy says, “Oh, OK. That’s different. Medical purposes. That’s OK.” and he sells her the bottle of vodka.
A couple of hours later, he closes up the shop, and about two blocks down the street he sees an empty vodka bottle, and a drunken non-lying in the gutter a few feet away. He he walks up to her, and she’s unconscious. He pokes her with his toe, and she rolls over and groans. He says, Sister, I am ashamed of you!You lied to me!”
The nun says, “I din’ lie t—to you.”
The guy says, “Yes you did, you said the vodka was for Mother Superior’s constipation.”
The nun rolls her eyes and says, “It was! When she sheez me like thish, she’s gonna sh*t!”
Three Elderly Women Smashed Every Swimming Record.
Three Elderly Women Smashed Every Swimming Record. The 90-Year-Old’s Secret Had Nothing to Do with Athletics.
A fit young man headed to the local public swimming pool to test his personal best time for the 100-meter freestyle. Sitting right at the edge of the pool were three sweet, frail-looking elderly ladies, quietly knitting and watching him swim.
The young man exploded through the water, touching the wall at exactly one and a half minutes. As he climbed out of the pool, panting heavily and feeling quite proud of himself, one of the elderly ladies looked up.
“Not bad, young man,” she chirped. “But I’m 70 years old and I can easily do it faster than that.”
The young man smirked. “With all due respect, ma’am, I highly doubt that. You’ll have to prove it to me.”
Without a word, the 70-year-old stood up, dived gracefully into the pool, and cut through the water like a torpedo, finishing the 100 meters in an astonishing 1 minute and 20 seconds.
The young man’s jaw dropped. “How on earth did you do that?!”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” she shrugged, sitting back down to her knitting. “I used to be the European Olympic swimming champion.”
Suddenly, the second lady stood up. “Ha! That’s child’s play. I’m 80 years old and I’m even faster!”
To prove her point, she dove into the water. Moving like lightning, she touched the wall at exactly 1 minute flat. The young man stood there, completely stunned, asking how it was humanly possible.
“Simple,” the 80-year-old smiled. “I’m a former world record holder, and I still keep in great shape.”
That’s when the third old lady, looking incredibly fragile, slowly stood up. “You girls are ridiculous. I’m 90 years old and I can smoke both of you!”
She dove in, and the water practically began to boil. She flew down the lane and touched the wall at an unbelievable 50 seconds!
“That is a new world record!” gasped the 80-year-old.
“Incredible!” cheered the 70-year-old.
The young man was practically shaking with disbelief. He ran over and yelled, “How the hell did you just do that?!”
The 90-year-old climbed out, squeezed the water from her hair, and smiled fondly. “Oh, that was easy, dear! I used to be a high-end prostitute in Venice, and I only did home visits by swimming through the canals!”
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