She Had a Clever Plan
An elderly gentleman confidently walked into a Victoria’s Secret boutique, cutting a rather unusual figure among the rows of silk and lace. He strolled right up to the salesperson behind the counter with a proud grin.
“Young lady, I need a very special gift for my wife,” the man explained, winking. “You see, it’s our fiftieth wedding anniversary, and I want to get something exceptionally pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean.”
After getting some expert recommendations, he purchased a delicate, premium piece of lingerie and headed home. The moment he walked through the front door, his wife greeted him with a deeply suspicious glare. “Where on earth have you been all afternoon?” she demanded.
“Surprise!” the old man shouted triumphantly, handing her the signature pink shopping bag containing a tiny, lace teddy.
The wife snatched the bag from his hand, arched an eyebrow, and marched straight into the bathroom to try it on.
It was an absolute disaster. She struggled, pulled, and squeezed, but the fabric was at least two sizes too small. Realizing there was no way this was going to look like the catalog, she decided to linger in the bathroom. She brushed her teeth, organized the medicine cabinet, and waited a long time, secretly hoping her husband would lose interest and fall asleep since it was getting quite late.
Finally, realizing she couldn’t hide forever, she decided to improvise. She turned off every single light in the bedroom, plunged the room into absolute darkness, and stepped out of the bathroom completely undressed. She strutted over to the edge of the bed, striking a confident, glamorous modeling pose in the shadows.
Her husband, still sitting up against the pillows, squinted intensely into the pitch-black room. He leaned forward, rubbed his eyes, and finally sighed in deep disappointment.
“Well, I’ll tell you one thing, dear. For as much money as I spent on that damn thing, the least they could have done was iron out the wrinkles!”
She Had the Most Unbelievable Excuse in Court
While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for ass@ulting a Mamm0gram Technician, say “Your Honor, I’m guilty but….. There were extenuating circumstances.”
The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
“Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, str*p to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?” I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.” Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?” Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My b0dy was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other bre@st wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.
“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?” I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy… The door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire,” found me… standing on my tip-toes, h@lf-n@ked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway.” “OK, you take care now” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps….” The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said “Case Dismissed”.
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