The Husband’s Sudden Relief
An elderly couple’s golden anniversary trip to Hawaii took a terrifying turn when the aircraft’s engines suddenly died out over the open Pacific.
The captain’s grim voice crackled over the PA system: “Ladies and gentlemen, we have lost all power. I’m going to attempt an emergency landing on an uncharted island directly below us. We might survive the beach landing, but the odds of anyone ever rescuing us are practically zero. Prepare to live here for the rest of your days.”
Miraculously, the flight crew pulled off a flawless crash landing on the remote sand. As the dust settled and the passengers evacuated, the old husband turned to his wife, his face pale with a completely different kind of panic.
“Honey,” he wheezed, gripping her shoulders, “did you mail the check for our high-interest credit card bill before we left?”
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry!” she wept. “With all the chaotic packing, I completely forgot!”
The husband swallowed hard, his eyes wide. “What about our quarterly IRS tax payment? The final audit deadline was yesterday!”
“Forgive me!” she begged, burying her face in her hands. “I didn’t mail that one either! We are ruined!”
Suddenly, the old man grabbed his wife and unleashed the most passionate, ecstatic, rib-crushing hug of their fifty-year marriage.
Confused and gasping for air, she pulled back. “What on earth is wrong with you? Why are you hugging me?!”
The husband beamed with absolute joy and pointed to the sky:
“Don’t you worry about a thing, darling! They’ll find us!”
A farmer had 5 female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to m*te the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs m*te.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were in the field m*ting, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’ll be pregnant. If they’re lying in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud.
So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed.
So he called out to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “They’re in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn.”
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two vetenary students inside studying for final exams.
The two vetenary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied
“no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
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