The Worst 911 Call Ever
Two buddies from New Jersey are out hunting in the deep woods when one of them suddenly collapses to the ground. He isn’t breathing, and his eyes roll completely back into his head.
Panicking, his friend whips out his cell phone and dials 911. “My friend just dropped de@d!” he gasps to the operator. “What do I do?! What do I do?!”
The operator, trying to calm him down, responds in a soothing voice, “Take a deep breath, sir. I’m here to help. First, let’s make absolutely sure he’s de@d.”
There is a brief, dead silence over the phone… followed suddenly by the loud BANG of a gunsh0-t.
The hunter picks the phone back up, sighs with relief, and says, “Okay, he’s definitely de@d. Now what?”
My best marriage joke
A married woman boards a train. The staff bring her to her private sleeper room only to find that another passenger is already inside. The train attendant apologizes and tells her to wait while they sort it out.
The woman sits down in the car and starts talking with the man who was mistakenly put in her car. He is very friendly, also married, and it turns out they have a lot in common.
When the attendant comes back an hour later to show the woman to her room, she is having such a great time with the man that they agree to share the room which has two seperate beds anyways.
The man and the woman talk for hours, order dinner, have a few drinks, and finally decide to go to sleep.
Each gets into their separate bed and they turn down the lights.
The man says to the woman “I know this may sound crazy, but what if just for tonight we pretend to be married to each other?” The woman thinks about and says “…ok that doesn’t sound crazy, I could do that.” The man then sits up and says “You know it’s really cold in here, maybe we could share that blanket?”
The woman sits up and yells “GET YOUR OWN F*CKING BLANKET!”
The Old Lady’s Advice Worked… Sort Of
There was a beautiful young woman who had recently become the organ player at a small church.
She was talented, graceful… and blessed with a very generous figure.
Unfortunately, every Sunday while she played the organ, her @mple b0s0m b0unced with the music, making many of the men in the congregation stare. More than a few of them ended up getting elbowed by their wives before the service was over.
One elderly woman felt sorry for the young musician and quietly took her aside after church.
“My dear,” she whispered, “I know a simple remedy. Buy two lemons. Every night before bed, rub half a lemon on each bre@st. They’ll gradually shrink, and you won’t distract the men anymore.”
The young woman was delighted.
“Really? Thank you so much!”
She hurried home and faithfully followed the advice every single night.
The following Sunday, the congregation gathered as usual.
After the service, the pastor stepped up to the pulpit. As everyone waited for the sermon to begin, he cleared his throat…
Then everyone noticed something odd.
He kept licking his lips, his mouth looked unusually puckered, and his words came out with a strange lisp.
He finally announced,
**”Due to thircumstanthes beyond my control… we won’t be having a thermon thith week.”**
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